January 11, 2011
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Three Zero
People ask me, “So, how do you feel?” If I say depressed, that’s a bit melodramatic, but I wouldn’t say that I’m jumping for joy that I’ve entered into a new decade. Don’t misinterpret what I say though. I feel very lucky for all the people and things in my life right now, but I don’t think I was ready to turn thirty just yet. I can’t help but look back at how far I’ve come and realize just how much I still want to accomplish. I’m getting older, time is flying by, and I can’t make it stop.
I went from pretending I wasn’t different to immersing myself in everything Asian. I went from knowing next to nothing about Asian American history to developing a connection between the history and myself and understanding how I am perceived in this world. I went from strongly disliking the idea that everything I did reflected on my family to feeling such admiration for my parents and the struggles they went through to raise me. I went from being a voiceless girl to a woman who will speak her mind. I went from wanting to become a lawyer to developing a life-long career in education. I went from not knowing the injustices going on in our urban public school systems to devoting myself to addressing that issue for the past eight years, and I’m not done yet. When I think back about my pre-college, college, and post-college years, I realize that I have become a completely different person in each stage of my life. If you were to meet me in my pre-college years, you would not recognize me. I didn’t get here by myself though. My experiences with my parents, siblings, friends, teachers/professors, Brandeis, ASC, TFA, BGP, MATCH, Gund Kwok, NAAAP, Roger and even past boyfriends have helped me get me to a place where I feel very lucky and my heart sighs with relief.The past few years have been a whirlwind of adult changes – engagement, wedding planning, marriage, name change, quitting my job, finding a new job, moving to a new state that I now love, and buying a condo. I think I’ve realized why I’m not ready to get older. I’m married, settled, and I’ve hit the big 3-0. Guess what comes next? I thought I would be ready in the next year or so, but now I’m not so sure. I really want to feel like I’m looking forward to it, but all I can think about is how much more my life will change. I don’t know if I’m ready for that change yet. The problem is that time is going by too fast. I hope this whole turning 3-0 freak-out will end some time so that I feel ready to begin the next phase in my life. I hope in another ten years when I’m 40, I’ll blog again (if I still have Xanga) and talk about how when I was thirty, this fear was silly. Time will only tell.
